ATTASU: The Last Viking by Sandra Hill

As ATTASU is a more in-depth feature than my standard reviews, this entire post has a spoiler warning for plot details, including the ending, of The Last Viking.

Truly, women think they want a weak-sapped man, but what they really crave is a real man, like Tim Taylor, and me.

Sandra Hill's been the victim of a mean prank. You've probably seen it, a post on social media that features the cover of her 2006 novel, Rough and Ready followed by some outlandish and terrible passages. A few of them, the screenshots of "dick heaven" and "dick attack", are real. "Dick Parkinson's", "galloping abs", and the whole "wet boobs still wet from the shower water" are not. Still, despite knowing this was (mostly) a troll, a reader requested I feature Ms. Hill on ATTASU. As delightful as a squadron of time traveling Navy SEALS sounds, you can find quite a few reviews of Rough and Ready. Instead, I went back to the start of the series for a time travel plot I haven't read before: the ancient man and the modern woman set in the glorious age of 1997.

1997. In terms of the romance genre, it might as well be 997, right? Certainly, this is what those who think I judge the book too harshly will opine.

In 1997, Julia Quinn was writing her second series, (Brighter Than the Sun is a four-star book that I will vouch stands up to twenty-teen scrutiny). We're not even going to count how many books Nora Roberts had released at this point, though Montana Sky, published the previous year, remains one of the most beloved in the romance genre. Romancelandia's titan, Beverly Jackson also gave us Indigo in 1996 and followed it up with Topaz in '97. And if we can go back another year, Loretta Chase's Lord of Scoundrels is still topping AAR's top 100 romance list, twenty years later. Kleypas, Brockway, Susan E. Phillips, all award-winning authors who released novels in the mid-late 90s and none of them are...this.

The Last Viking is terrible. It's poorly written, badly paced, and rarely have I seen a book that so hates its target audience. The last book I read that was this misogynistic was Fabio's Pirate if we all recall how much I hated that review. We're introduced to Rolf with him licking the nipples of his boat's figurehead in "salty appreciation", ostensibly to show the reader what a lusty male our love interest will be, and it only gets worse from there.

"A DISTANT LAND, A.D. 997

Row, row, row your boat . ."

The weird italicized sentences are a reoccurring device. They start most scenes, but not all. Sometimes they're song lyrics or puns, but frequently they're just bits that might be the main characters' thoughts. So why not have them be their thoughts and dispense with this weird formatting decision? (Speaking of weird formatting decisions, let's revisit this in a few minutes when we get to Rolf and his grasp on the English language.)

Rolf is sailing during the Devil's Moon when his ship is struck by lightning and he and Ingrid, the saltily appreciated figurehead, are swept through a whirlpool and into Professor Meredith Foster's front yard. Meredith is obviously a professor of medieval studies, specializing in Norse history, with a half-built Viking longboat in her yard. Because for all my defense of the genre, romance is built on its coincidences and misunderstandings. Meredith arrives home to find an invader in her house. She's held at knifepoint by what she assumes is a historical reenactor hired by her brother to help her finish her boat. Because every SCA member I've come across says hello with a knife to the throat. But maybe, are you wondering what Rolf looks like? I bet you are.

"In fact, he looked a lot like a Viking Age version of that actor, Kevin Sorbo, from the old Hercules program on television."

(Hercules was smack in the middle of its six-season run in 1997. It makes absolutely no sense to refer to a currently airing show as an old program, though if these are the editing details that I'm getting hung up on, spoiler: the rest of the book is a trip.)


Fortunately for Meredith and us as readers, Rolf has a magic belt that allows him to speak and understand English and also seems to ease his transition into modern life. By the end of his first full day in Maine, Rolf is obsessed with indoor plumbing, some sort of shampoo called drek, (which has a very different connotation here in 2018,) and can even use a computer. The hilarious "adapting to future technology" scenes teased in the synopsis are over before they even begin.

Instead, what The Last Viking truly is is Home Improvement fan-fiction mixed with an MRA wet dream. Rolf is the kind of alphahole asshole I can't stand. His machismo is supposed to highlight the time travel and differences in his world and ours, but (spoiler) because he ends up being completely right and validated, what the book is actually saying is "wasn't it better when we could kidnap women and marry them at knifepoint?"

As covered, Rolf enjoys a lot of the modern world's comforts, but none more so than Mike the TA and his trip to Home Depot.

"[T]hey’d entered Am-eric-hah’s version of Valhalla, a real man’s paradise—the power-tool section of the hardware store."

You know what, it's not even the power tools. They were a big thing in the 90s, a status symbol for a certain kind of men. Rolf's choice of tv: Bob Vila's This Old House and Home Improvement show a segment of the American population was certainly charmed by the idea of working with your hands. I'll even allow that power tools would seem like a magic luxury, unimaginable to a shipbuilder who made his own wooden nails. No, my two biggest problems with this sentence are the hackneyed phonetic spelling and the phrase "real men".

Rolf speaks perfect English by the end of his first scene, thanks to his magic belt, (which features a holy relic in a hidden compartment that Rolf was on his way to return to an English abbey to stop a famine in Norway for reasons.) That is, Rolf speaks perfect English except for the occasional word that is spelled phonetically for...humor? We're first on the receiving end of this writing quirk when Rolf learns Meredith's name. He calls her Merry-Death and will do so for the remainder of the book, even after they're married and he's given up returning to his own time. But even that and Am-eric-hah are ok. They're not funny, but they seem consistent enough with the book's internal logic. The belt seemingly can't translate words that don't have a similar, corresponding meaning in Old Norse. Electrice-city and come-pewter thus do make sense that he'd struggle with them. But he first calls his hero, Tim Allen, Timalley. That doesn't fit, nor does the fact that he evolves to call Tim by his correct name, but never does with Meredith.

But I wouldn't be upset and calling this one of my "biggest problems" in a book I've already admitted is terrible if it wasn't for Meredith's job title.

"Half of your words have no meaning to me. What language is this that you . . . we are speaking?" He rubbed the clasp of his belt while he spoke, as if for luck or answers.

[ . . . ]

"Like profess-whore. I can hardly credit you as a whore.”

Oh boy. There's a lot to unpack here. First, "professor" is not remotely pronounced "profess-whore", so the structure of our joke and our worldbuilding are already unsound. Secondly, while professor does only date back to the 14th century, so does profess. The belt should have no more knowledge of one than the other. Teacher, however, does have roots in Old English, a sister language to Old Norse and one Rolf claims to speak. His belt should easily have substituted tæcan long before making a crude and unfunny joke that Meredith is too plain to be a prostitute.

The book hates Meredith and this loops back around to problem the second, the "real man".

Meredith has problems. She's a doormat for her overbearing scholar parents, her flighty sister, even her dead grandfather, as she's taken a sabbatical from Columbia to teach at his small college in Maine and complete his dream of a longship. She has no friends, she's divorced, and as we find out in a tear-filled, (and rage-inducing,) confession, infertile. So when Rolf shows up and starts barking orders, despite her resistance, her life magically becomes better. Her parents are cowed, her sister gives her custody of her daughter so she's not lonely, she makes friends with her TA and some of the SCA reenactors who show up, and of course, she learns the sexual fulfillment of being with a "real man", which seemingly involves a lot of hair and also semen that can cure infertility. You knew it was going there.

Some of this attitude is the time period in which the book was published. Of the award-winners I listed back at the beginning, I actually didn't like Lord of Scoundrels for a similar reason. I found the hero too domineering. I find female submission to be one of the most popular tropes in mainstream romance, (though research into sexual preferences shows male submission is actually more popular in real life.) because there is something enjoyable in the thought of laying back and letting someone else take all your cares away. I also find these stories come in waves; we just had a big one in 2012 after the success of Fifty Shades. We're not here to shame people who are into femsub fic or alpha tropes. The problem is the female character has to be into it. Meredith is not. From the first page to the last, she fights Rolf to keep her independence. He marries her bound, against her will, because she refuses to commit herself to him when he's going to try to return to the Middle Ages. That goes well beyond the "I know best so let me sort out the building arrangements" thing they have going. Instead, Rolf thinks of Meredith's talking as "lackwit female prattle" and asks, "If she loved him, she would want to please him, wouldn’t she?" That's not love. Meredith, you should run like your tampon string is on fire.

Instead, blinded by lust for Kevin Sorbo, Meredith runs straight to Rolf's bed after the wedding. Because he'll sleep with whores, but he'll only make love to his wife. So after he realizes he's in love with her, he has to force her to marry him so they can finally get it on. Because that makes sense and betrays zero unhealthy ideas about sex work and intercourse. This is what we're here for, right? You want to know if anyone's going to have a dick attack.

Well, no. Dick attack was clearly the author's attempt at writing modern, male internal dialogue. Since here she's writing ancient, male internal dialogue, what we get is some of the purplest prose this side of the gothic.

“Drops of moisture from our first mating linger here,” he pointed out huskily, “like morning mist on seaside grass.”

[. . .]

“You feel like velvet fire licking at my staff,” he gasped as he pulled out, then drove in again, long and slow and sinfully pleasurable. “And you feel like hot marble,”

[. . . ]

“Your woman dew anoints me like molten lava,”

This same scene also features everyone's favorite euphemism, manroot, as well as "womanly nest", which I'm not even sure I know what that is? These all seem very silly now, but again part of this is the time period and the style. God knows I'm not defending these passages, they're awful, but I think even more offensive is when Hill tries to make sex fun.

Glad someone's getting wet around here.

Best you fortify your ramparts, my lady of the running tongue. This warrior is about to lay siege to your every portal.

This warrior is about to lay siege to your eVERY PORTAL. I need a lie-down. (Also he only even seizes one portal. Promises promises, Rolf.)

“Especially since I shared with you the secret of the famous Viking S-spot, which even you agreed was far superior to your modern G-spot.”

This is a reoccurring joke. It's never explained. Not where it is, how it provides pleasure, or why a Viking erogenous zone would follow the naming conventions of Gräfenberg. But Rolf tells every man he meets about the S-spot and sends them home to please their female partners. Another example of how a return to the age of raping and pillaging would actually benefit the 90s. Right.

But wait, I hear you all say. This review is wrapping up and we didn't get to the bottom of "Home Improvement fanfiction"? About that. So a third of the way through the book, Meredith's TA, Mike is reintroduced. He's here to serve as an eventual friend to Mer after Rolf leaves, but also to give Rolf the male bonding scenes we were all clamoring for. Mike has one defining personality trait. Despite being a graduate student in medieval studies, chosen for a prestigious assistant position, all we know of Mike is that he's a horndog. A horndog in love with one Pamela Anderson. He makes this known loudly and frequently. The Baywatch (and Home Improvement) actress is mentioned sixteen times in twenty chapters. When Mike and Rolf meet, Mike immediately starts waxing poetic about how hot Pam is. Because the author's definitely met a man before. Definitely. So Rolf, being an alpha and a fixer takes it upon himself to call Pam's agent. How does he get that information? No idea. But here's the worst part: it works. We start getting needy phone messages from NINETEEN NINETY-SEVEN, PLAYBOY COVERGIRL PAMELA ANDERSON.

"Will you pursue this Pamela creature till you gain the bedding? I heard that she phoned you repeatedly this past week."

In fact, this works so well that Rolf takes it upon himself to make another series of wildly expensive long distance calls to LA and track down Tim Allen. He loves Tim Allen. He references Tim, actor and character, repeatedly and the author even goes so far as to insert their like-minded philosophies into the background of scenes.

" [. . .] Tim Taylor was explaining to his wife Jill why big breasts were God- given male magnets."

So Rolf wants Tim to come help him build his longboat. Unsurprisingly, considering he got one of the hottest women in the world's phone number, he speaks to a long line of agents and producers who all agree it is a great idea for Tim and the actors to fly to Maine and use the longboat in an episode. This doesn't actually happen and you think the plot line has been dropped until! *deep breath*

Meredith finally accepts both that Rolf is a time traveler and she's in love with him.She has nothing holding her to the twentieth century, so she asks him to take her back to 997 with him.Rolf refuses because he's already had one wife die.Meredith won't marry him if he won't take her, he won't leave without marrying her.The aforementioned kidnap wedding occurs, our heroes finally sleep together, and they spend two blissful weeks waiting for Rolf to finish his boat and the Devil's Moon to rise again.On the day of the moon, there's a tearful sending off.We get a flash-forward to the next day where we're told that Rolf's boat was once again struck by lightning, sunk, and he and his figurehead, Ingrid, are once again sucked into a whirlpool.Except it leaves him in 1997 instead of returning to the past.Rolf's picked up by two fishermen who take him to shore in exchange for knowledge of where the S-spot is.Rolf checks into a hotel and sees a news report of his "death", featuring Meredith crying. He realizes he'd be a real douche to do this to her again and again since he can't stop trying to get back to his time as long as he has this saint's relic.So he flys to Norway to do some research and finds out the famine actually broke the day he went through the whirlpool so his destiny isn't to take the relic back, it's to keep it in the future where it can't affect the weather?So then he travels to England and where the abbey was in his time, but it's just ruins.Then a ghost of the saint burried at the abbey shows up, takes the relic, tells Rolf to follow his destiny and points to a single rose, which somehow signifies Meredith even though by now we know she's pregnant so it should be two roses.Rolf then goes to London or Paris or something to auction off all his Viking jewelry and then finally after six weeks returns to Maine to tell Mer he's not dead.Initially their reunion is a happy one and they bang on her desk,but then he lets it slip that he got his new clothes in London and Meredith is rightly pissed that Rolf faked his death, didn't tell her his research had proved he didn't have to go back to the past, galavanted across Europe without so much as a postcard, and then showed up like nothing happened.They have their big Big Mis, Mer kicks him out of the cabin, and we get a couple chapters of angst until Meredith's niece tells her to turn on Home Improvement.

PHEW!

Upon turning on Home Improvement, what is Meredith, and by proxy the audience, treated to? Rolf of course!  Tim Taylor has decided to soup up his speedboat and hires Rolf to teach him how to construct a longboat, which are famous for their ability to go fast and be manned by one person, obviously. Al and Wilson are also there, trying vainly to make jokes as Rolf flubs his lines, curses, and speaks directly to Meredith through the camera in one of the strangest scenes I have come across. I'm forced to believe Ms. Hill believes television shows are actually plays performed by very small men living in her tv? Even more bizarre is the fact that Rolf is invited back. Anyway, the next day Meredith goes home, secure in her knowledge that Rolf is still in LA where the show is filmed, but surprise! He's in her house and takes her at knifepoint again until she agrees to kiss and make up.

While I try to keep ATTASU a funny but enlightening look at books that go off the beaten path, unfortunately, this time around, I'm just sad. Hill has written eleven books in the series, so obviously they're resonating with someone out there. I've liked a lot of romance novels that I didn't find erotic, but I liked the plot. I've read some that the plot was shit, but something in the love scenes spoke to me. But I'll never understand books that seem to actively hate and harm their female readership. Yes, there's a certain delight in reading a really bad scene, laughing at a truly outlandish description, but it's not worth risking supporting problematic content like this. I can give you a hundred books with a dominating love interest without the near-rape and kidnapping. And that's not a plot point you can blame on the 90s.

Review: Geek Ink by Emanuele Pagani

Title: Geek Ink: The World's Smartest Tattoos for Rebels, Nerds, Scientists, and Intellectuals
Author: Emanuele Pagani
Genre: Art and Photography
Series:
Pages: 224
Published: Expected March 20, 2018
Source: publisher
Rating: 3.5/5

Exhibiting cutting-edge designs from the most sought-after and acclaimed contemporary tattoo artists worldwide, Geek Ink presents magnificent ideas for tattoos on themes from science fiction and fantasy, as well as a wide range of topics across science, mathematics, literature, and philosophy.

With commentary from creators of the Inkstinct project--which connects people with the finest tattoo art from 380,000 studios worldwide and has an Instagram fan base of more than 1 million--as well as interviews with world-renowned masters like Eva Krbdk (460K followers), David Cote (232K followers), and Thomas Eckeard (169K followers), this is the definitive tattoo inspiration sourcebook for hipsters, bookworms, scientists, academics, engineers, and, of course, geeks!

I've never reviewed an art book on APR before, but when I was offered an ARC of Geek Ink, I was over the moon. Geek tattoos are something very close to me and mine. The artist of my Bradbury piece also did a full geek sleeve for my sister, featuring Warhammer 40k, Psychonauts, Phantom of the Opera, Legend of Zelda, and Supernatual. (She also has separate Repo the Genetic Opera and a Fatal Frame pieces.) The seventh wedding anniversary gift is traditionally copper, so I sent my husband to a very nice sadist to stab a Terry Pratchett inspired "copper" badge into his arm.

The book is set up in two sections. The first is a brief profile of 25 artists from around the globe. These feature a one paragraph bio, links to their instagram and inkstinct pages, a quote from them about their art, and 8-10 samples from their portfolios. The layout and photography are high quality and do a wonderful job framing the tattoos as art.  The only problem with the samples chosen is many of the pieces are featured in the book twice, both here and either in one of collages at the beginning and end of each section or in the gallery itself.

Standouts for me were Frank Carrilho's Nikola Telsa, David Cote's Neon Vader, (the color work to make something actually appear made of neon tubing, I'm in awe,) literally every single piece by Inez Janiak, Andrea Morales' Killer Robot and The Golden Snitch and Hogwarts, PisSaro's Bejeweled Elephant, and Hugo Tatooer's entire aesthetic.

I have good taste. Morales and Carrilho appear on the cover and Cote appeared on the previous version.

The gallery was less successful. Its table of contents consists of animals, anime, astronomy, biology, botany, conceptual, cult classics, fantasy, geography, geometry, literature, psychology, science fiction, surrealism, technology, and television. Large sections like animals and botany are further divided, though not in the table of contents so you have to flip to the first page and then scan through. Animals are split into vertebrates and invertebrates, and then vertebrates are split into classes: aves, cetacea, proboscidae, reptilia, mammalia, then order: carnivora, and finally family: canidae, felidae. All this seems like an artificial way to make animal tattoos, the most popular tattoo type, seem geeky. All sciences, zoology included, are pretty geeky, but a lot of the included tattoos look like someone's pet.

The classifications are arbitrary and made it harder to look up the subjects. For example, Rob Carvalho's Fox and Rose (inspired by The Little Prince) is on page 170, Cult Classics. Meanwhile, Nora Lyasko's The Little Prince piece, The Fox and the Prince is on page 190, Literature. (Page numbers from the PDF ARC and may be changed in the final printing, of course.) A replica of Starry Night is in Surrealism, of all places. Wolverine's in Cult Classics, but Darth Vader's in Sci-Fi.

It also feels like a lot of geek culture is missing. There are only six TV tattoos, none of which are the big hitters I'd expect. No Doctor Who or Star Trek. There is an X Files, but again it's back in Cult Classics.  There are no games, video, board, or tabletop represented. Not even anything that really says hard sciences, except one representation of a caffeine molecule, (in biology, next to a skull and two stylized hearts.) There are a few under the featured artists, but if you're using the gallery to browse for ideas, you're going to have a hard time.

It's a beautiful coffee table book, but I don't know if you'll find your new ink in it.

Two Minute Backlist Review: Vampire Academy by Richelle Mead

Title: Vampire Academy
Author: Richelle Mead
Genre: supernatural
Series: Vampire Academy #1
Pages: 335
Published: 2007
Source: purchased
Rating: 3/5

Lissa Dragomir is a Moroi princess: a mortal vampire with a rare gift for harnessing the earth's magic. She must be protected at all times from Strigoi; the fiercest vampires - the ones who never die. The powerful blend of human and vampire blood that flows through Rose Hathaway, Lissa's best friend, makes her a dhampir. Rose is dedicated to a dangerous life of protecting Lissa from the Strigoi, who are hell-bent on making Lissa one of them.

After two years of freedom, Rose and Lissa are caught and dragged back to St. Vladimir's Academy, a school for vampire royalty and their guardians-to-be, hidden in the deep forests of Montana. But inside the iron gates, life is even more fraught with danger . . . and the Strigoi are always close by.

Rose and Lissa must navigate their dangerous world, confront the temptations of forbidden love, and never once let their guard down, lest the evil undead make Lissa one of them forever . . .

This book is terrible and I was living for it. I was really into Mead's adult series, The Age of X, but since I was apparently the only one into it and the third book has been shelved indefinitely, I thought I'd give her most famous work a try. This is a pretty fun take on the vampire craze of the early Thousands. Rose is basically Blade, a half human, half vampire trained from the cradle to kill (evil) vampires. She attends St. Vladimir's Academy, a typical catty boarding school stereotype except it's full of (good) vampire royals and the dhampir guards training to protect them.

Lissa, Rose's best friend and future liege, has a secret that's created a bond between the girls that hasn't been seen since the bible. The vast majority of the book is them navigating high school cliches and "forbidden love" (which in this case means Lissa's in love with someone from a lower social status and Rose is in love with her twenty-four year old fighting instructor). There's a kidnapping and one pretty badass fight between Rose and a bad vamp, but for the most part it's a relatively standard YA that happens to feature vampires.

This review is of the 10 year anniversary edition which also featured four short stories: The Turn and the Flame, which looks at Christian's back story (it was fine), From the Journal of Vasilisa Dragomir, Lissa's journal from the times immediately prior to this book (also just fine), The Meeting, an utterly pointless retelling of the first chapter from Dimitri's point of view, AND Hello My Name is Rose Hathaway, a five star short story that is so much fun. The dhampir have a scavenger hunt on Halloween that sees Rose and stick-in-the-mud Dimitri flirting like SO MUCH. I was on the fence about the ship until this one.

Review: Immortal Souls ed Joamette Gil

Title: Immortal Souls
Editor: Joamette Gil
Genre: graphic novel, paranormal
Series: N/A
Pages: 120
Published: November 30, 2017
Source: Purchased
Rating: 3/5

A comics anthology about queer witches for teens and adults ages 14-and-up. The book is over 110 pages long, black and white, and contains 10 original stories by women and non-binary creators of color. In this special installment of the POWER & MAGIC SERIES, queer witches of color delve into the darker sides of magic: astral planes, necromancy, visions of death, and communion with the spirits of our world... and the beyond.

This book is the immediate follow-up to POWER & MAGIC: The Queer Witch Comics Anthology, an award-winning collection of fantasy stories exalting the witch as an archetype of feminine power. With IMMORTAL SOULS, we are cementing a series tradition: stories told by women and non-binary creators of color, all starring queer witches of color.

Magical Girl Crisis by Patadag - ***

Very cute little story about a witch fighting against her natural necromancy powers because she’d rather be a cute, lolita magical girl. Unfortunately at six pages, way too short for any real development. We don’t even get a good shot of her final, gothic lolita outfit.

Heirloom by ClaraEm - *

The art is not for me. The characters are very simplistic and there are a lot of perspective choices that I don’t think work, especially in the initial argument and the ghost section. I found the plot flat and straightforward, without any resolution.

Mahk Jchi by Sunny Ochumuk - ****

Very, very pretty art.

At her first meet up of other native women, our main character initially wants to be known as Catherine, but as the day goes, Waanutam discovers parts of her heritage, including her cousin’s dancing which summons beautiful spirits. Rather than end with a romance, which is where I assumed we were going, she embraces her cousin and asks to learn to dance too. A sweet, short look at a culture I never see in graphic novels, I liked this a lot.

Mu by Yeon Kyung Cha - ***

One of my favorite plots, a female shaman who can speak to the dead sets out to seduce and kill men who abused and killed the girls she speaks to. Unfortunately, I felt almost like this was issue two of a book I hadn’t read the first part of. Mu clearly had some link to Ji-Hye and Ji-Hoon but I never understood what it was or why the ghost (Ji-Hye?) stayed.

Art wise, this one starts out super detailed and beautiful, but by the last few pages we’re mostly looking at gray boxes in place of background details. I’m not sure if this was an intentional stylistic choice or not, but it makes the story feel rushed and unfinished.

Admonitions by Amber Huff - ***

The differences in art in the real and spirit realms set this story apart. It’s also the first one that’s felt like it really lived up to the “darker side of magic” theme of the anthology. Again though, I wish this was longer. There’s backstory I’m missing, world building that’s not fully coming through in fourteen pages.

An Unexpected Specter by Francis Quintero - ***********

Cutest thing I’ve ever seen. I need a six season animated series and a movie.

The Woman who Waits by Lira Kraunik and Kyka ****

Really beautiful and haunting with an unexpected twist ending.

Hungry by Joamette Gil - ***1/2

Last line is a real gut punch. Not crazy about this art, it reminds me of like 2002 webcomics.

Requium by Ayanni C Hanna and Melani Tingdahl - ***

Another I wish was a hair longer. A pair of nurses in an unnamed war torn country tend to survivors, until soldiers show up and start shooting. This one does not have a happy end which I don’t knock it for, but I don’t know. The lack of acceptance and abrupt end hurt.

Bon Voyage My Chains by Sonia Liao - ****

Absolutely the best drawn comic in the book. CW reads: non binary person faces mortal peril. That’s one way to describe an enby character’s father trying to stab them, sure. Probably needs a stronger warning. The length on this one is right, it’s got good world building, a cute romance, and even a last minute beta romance that made me laugh.

Review: My Best Friend's Exorcism by Grady Hendrix

Title: My Best Friend's Exorcism
Author: Grady Hendrix
Genre: horror
Series: N/A
Pages: 336
Published: May 17, 2016
Source: borrowed library
Rating: 2/5

Abby and Gretchen have been best friends since fifth grade, when they bonded over a shared love of E.T., roller-skating parties, and scratch-and-sniff stickers. But when they arrive at high school, things change. Gretchen begins to act . . . different. And as the strange coincidences and bizarre behavior start to pile up, Abby realizes there’s only one possible explanation: Gretchen, her favorite person in the world, has a demon living inside her. And Abby is not about to let anyone or anything come between her and her best friend. With help from some unlikely allies, Abby embarks on a quest to save Gretchen. But is their friendship powerful enough to beat the devil? 

In the words of the immortal Ron Swanson, never half-ass two things. Whole ass one thing. My Best Friend's Exorcism wants to be a satire of the 80s satanic panic, while also being a horror title and a coming of age story. The notes aren't cohesive, it's synth pop out of key.

One of the things that made the first season of American Horror Story so effective was it's dual take on horror. It was both about a haunted house and an exploration of what scares the kind of suburban white people the show starred. It was about the fear of gay people and teenage abortions and having a disabled child. These are the same notes MBFE is trying to hit, telling dual stories of a teenage girl possessed by Andras while also confronting fears from urban legends: tapeworms in diet pills, needles in Halloween candy, and your kids licking LSD laced stickers. Ryan Murphy's show was a masterwork and shot him into the tv stratosphere. Grady's book...

Do you know the story of the ET landfill?

At one point, Abby's priest tells her that possession stories are just parables to explain how people change, mostly children growing up (or rape victims pulling in on themselves). So that's another story the book tries to tell. The book actually starts years before the possession, with Abby's ET themed skate party and the story of how she and Gretchen bonded when every other child goes to Margaret's house to ride horses. As the story continues on and Gretchen starts to change, there's a question if it actually is demon possession or just puberty. She breaks out, she changes her clothes, she hangs out with other friends. Of course she also vomits up owl feathers, soooo, it's not a big question.

The horror elements are few and far between. The demon contents himself with petty high school things: getting the quarterback drunk, forging love notes. He ruins lives, yes, but there's nothing paranormal about it. The newspaper clippings talk about dead fish and hoards of owls taking off with house pets, but nothing supernatural actually happens on page between the flock of dead birds right after the possession and the swarm of bugs during the exorcism. The tapeworm scene is shocking and gross and probably the only scene I would classify as "horror".

I feel like there are a lot of plot holes in the story itself. The actual demonic possession isn't well explained and I'm left confused if it actually happened the night in the woods or before. Gretchen has a boyfriend from camp but it's revealed that [highlight for spoiler] his phone number is actually a direct line to Gretchen's...soul? consciousness? post Andras taking over her body. Abby looks the boyfriend's actual number up and calls him in her investigation of the possession and he reveals that he's never spoken to Gretchen. So who was Gretchen calling before the possession? There's also something weird about a phone line in the woods near the site of the supposed satanic rituals. It's mentioned several times and I guess it's related to the spoiler I've mentioned, but I never understood how or why.

In all, this didn't work for me. It wasn't funny enough to be parody, smart enough to be satire, or scary enough to be horror. The best part is the spotify playlist of 80s jams.

CW: Eating disorder (including counting food), on page pet murder

Two Minute Reviews The Secret of the Ooze

I'M FINALLY CAUGHT UP FUCK YEAH I'M AWESOME

Now someone remind me to never get three posts worth behind again? You (should have) read the last two intros, let's do some quick and dirty (dirty) reviews.

Takeover by Anna Zabo - ★★★★☆

Pretty hot m/m BDSM romance (toeing the erotica line) that plays with dominant personalities IRL vs Dominant personalities in a scene. Sam is a CEO, in control all day long, so in bed, he's into submission. He meets Michael, an Aloha shirt wearing computer nerd, at a bar in Curacao on a break between buying and selling tech companies. Michael, also seeking his own one night stand, leads a hardcore, no names domination fantasy and both men return to the US confident they will never see each other again.Of course that goes perfectly to plan.

I could have done without the weasely little antagonist, as I think the sale of the company and the social stigmas were enough conflict and frankly the guy is just so punchable. Like you don't even root against him, that would require more effort than he deserves. TW for homophobia including slurs and description of a hate crime in a character's backstory.

The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood - ★★★☆☆

My third or fourth reread of one of my favorite novels, but that rating is solely for the audiobook. Narrated by Claire Danes, it's almost like she sucked the power out of Offred. Every section; pre-Gilead, pre-commander, post-commander, post-Nick are all stated in the same lifeless monotone. The narration doesn't try to match Offred's changing nature. Scenes where she's reckless, almost daring to get caught, are told exactly the same as the initial ceremony night when she's been brought as low as she can go. 

I don't love everything about the Hulu series, but I'd love to hear Elizabeth Moss re-narrate this one as Danes doesn't capture it at all for me.

The Walls Around Us by Nova Ren Suma - ★★★★★

Oh.

My.

God.

I'm not super into paranormal. Like UF sure but ghosts and monsters and scary things? Not my cuppa.

READ THIS BOOK.

(And then tell me who did it)

DC Comics: Bombshells, Vol. 3: Uprising by Marguerite Bennett - ★★☆☆☆

I'm out.

The Batgirls were the worst part of Vol. 2. They're annoying, there are entirely too many of them, and they pull focus off the main plot and lead characters. And did I mention they're annoying af? So of course they're back in a hamfisted, fourth wall breaking plot about Donald Trump Harvey Dent and internment camps. Super.

Ffs with the hair and the tie and the UGH.

The main plot, it's kind of whatever. Since they rushed to kill off Stargirl, Supergirl has no real purpose. They finally got everyone in one place which was nice. The Atlantis plot, I don't understand how Mera got her powers or lost them or anything. There are still three trades in this run and I just don't understand how.

Hamilton's Battalion: A Trio of Romances by Rose Lerner, Courtney Milan, Alyssa Cole - ★★★☆☆

Promised Land by Rose Lerner - ★★

This was the one story in the anthology that didn't work for me. Rachel was too mercurial and I couldn't understand why she was now in love with Nathan. The backstory with her evil mother-in-law was torturous. I did like learning about Jewish history in early America from Rose's notes, but the actual characters weren't for me.

The Pursuit Of... by Courtney Milan - ★★★★

I really like Henry and John and Henry&John. This is banter the book. It's also a solid look at white privilege, untreated ADHD, and how freedmen's lives weren't as free as they sound. Very sweet and feelsy romance with a great, meaningful plot.

That Could Be Enough by Alyssa Cole - ★★★★

*insert seventeen heart eye emojis here*

A Princess in Theory by Alyssa Cole - ★★★★★

A phenomenal start to a new series. From the second Ledi deleted the first email as Nigerian prince spam, I knew I was going to love this book. The first half, Ledi and "Jamal" in New York was a sweet, funny romance that fleshed out both characters and really made me root for them. After "Jamal" is revealed as Thabiso and the story moves to his homeland of Thesolo, I miiiight deduct half a star because the mystery seemed pretty obvious to me. 

The three sex scenes were great, very focused on Ledi's pleasure. Thabiso asks permission to kiss her, not only the first time but again after their fight when there's doubt, which awesome yes yay! (She turns him down the second time he asks and he leaves with no pressure??????????????)

I'll take Portia's book now please.

Eight Flavors: The Untold Story of American Cuisine by Sarah Lohman - ★★★☆☆

DNF at 34%. I liked the book but I just wasn't compelled to finish it and my library hold ran out.

I think it's really interesting that American cuisine can be broken down into these eight imported flavors and I loved the way authentic recipes and reinventions were woven into the narrative, but there's something a little offputting in the black pepper chapter glorifying America for treating with the growers instead of colonizing India a'la the British. Like give America a hand for doing the bare minimum. Likewise I think it's great that the author wanted to see the actual vanilla orchids of Mexico but there's a whiff of objectification and fetishistic reverence to the whole story, from eating at the roadside restaurant that "hasn't seen an American in five years!" to the actual descriptions of the plantation. It's a little Eat, Pray, Love-y.

Two Dukes are Better Than One by Lorna James - ★★★☆☆ 

Hot, hot, hot menage book with a good focus on consent and not rushing the heroine (except the honeymoon scene. Sideyeing both love interests on that one.) Unfortunately, the actual plot holding it all together is not good. As for the supernatural elements, it's true Victoria made the occult briefly popular for the ton, but Sophia's interest in it and her fortune telling mom would be a non starter. Then the last act is so rushed with books falling off shelves and secret babies and new characters being introduced in the last 30 pages. It doesn't jibe with the rest of the book. I never understood Huxley's desperation to see and speak to Rose again or the "destruction" that would have been wrought if he'd just courted Sophia.

And don't get me started on the whole "she sees babies in her future". Girl, you know full well you can't have either of their babies in this situation and Huxley is going to have to marry someone else. Don't be naive. 

Long Way Down by Jason Reynolds - ★★★★★

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

I know what you're thinking. I know how you feel about books in prose. I need you to forget all of that and read possibly the best book of the year. 

Will's brother was killed yesterday, shot in the street. He knows the rules, no snitching on the guy who definitely (probably?) did it, no crying, get revenge.

In this horrible and moving tale of the cyclical nature of revenge, Will is confronted by six ghosts, one for each floor he travels down on his way from his apartment to what could ultimately be his doom. Reynolds' way with words is inhuman, a masterwork. He packs more emotion into a single page than some authors do in a thousand. Read it once in a flurry of emotion and words, but read it again to savor the writing.

Down Among the Sticks and Bones by Seanan McGuire - ★★★★

What's the point of a Seanan book except to break my heart? What's the point of a prequel except to drive the knife deeper?

If you loved Jack in Every Heart a Doorway, allow me to introduce you to a Jack who hasn't yet had her heart broken:

“I could give you children,” said Jack, sounding faintly affronted. “You’d have to tell me how many heads you wanted them to have, and what species you’d like them to be, but what’s the point of having all these graveyards if I can’t give you children when you ask for them?” 

I LOVE HER SO FUCKING MUCH YOU GUYS.

But again, this series is clearly Seanan's heart books. Look at this prose. 

The moon worries. We may not know how we know that, but we know it all the same: that the moon watches, and the moon worries, and the moon will always love us, no matter what.

WHY DOES THE END HAVE TO COME? ;_;

But this book isn't just about Jack but also Jill and how growing up in your sister's shadow can effect you, both of you, and how parental expectations can ruin you. Get your tissues ready.

Review: Fierce Reads: Kisses and Curses ed Lauren Burniac

Title: Kisses and Curses 
Editor: Lauren Burniac
Genre: anthology, fantasy, contemporary
Series: The Lunar Chronicles 0.5, Razorland #1.1, Birthmarked #1.5, Crewel World .1, The Grishaverse #2.5
Pages: 390
Published: May 12, 2015
Source: borrowed library
Rating: 3/5

Beloved of readers and booksellers, our Fierce Reads program has garnered tons of enthusiastic fans since its inauguration in 2012. Now, the authors you know and love are coming together in one book!　With standalone short stories from a handpicked set of FR authors, this fabulous collection will include a mix of original content and popular favorites, and will often feature characters or worlds from existing Fierce Reads books. Extended, personal introductions from each author will make this a must-buy for fans as well as a fantastic portal for engaging new readers with the program. With a wide range of genres and subject matter, there will be something here for everyone!

Glitches by Marissa Meyer- 4 Stars
Previously read, still a good introduction to the world. I think it's really necessary before Cinder, actually. It answers a lot of my questions about her family and how she got where she is.

Bridge of Snow by Marie Rutkoski - 3 stars
The story was okay. It didn’t didn't tell me much about the characters or the world; it’s a pretty tenuous link to the Winner’s Curse series, but the actual fairy tale of how stars got into the sky was very pretty. I wouldn’t seek out the actual series based on this story.

Dynamite Junior by Jennifer Mathieu - 3.5 stars.
The Truth About Alice is one of my all time fave contemporaries. This companion was good but confusing. There are a lot of time skips and Mathieu tried so hard to obscure the secret of Jorge that I had trouble with the pacing. I’m glad she dropped Carmen as a potential POV, but I’m also glad to meet her here.

Monster Crush by Anna Banks and Emmy Laybourne - NR
Haha, no. Not with that formatting.

Fixer by Courtney Alameda - 3 stars
I wish they wouldn’t include stories in these collections that require you to have read the series already. This was fine, gave me some insight into the world of reapers and Hellsings and zombies, but since I don’t know the characters? *shrug* No emotional resonance.

Unstolen by Jennifer Brody - 2 stars
The main character of this series is named Seraphina and she has purple eyes.

Secret Heart by Ann Aguirre - NR
Why is this even here? It’s one scene, rewritten. It’s six pages. I think Ann’s intro is longer. I can’t rate something that can’t be more than a hundred words.

Death & Waffles by Lish Mcbride - 4 stars
This is what I want in a tie in short story. It stands alone but makes me want to read the Necromancer series. It’s funny and sad and introduces the world, but doesn’t overstay. Ash seems like a really cool character.

Krisis by Lindsay Smith - 4 stars
Sekret never held any appeal to me, but I really liked the writing of this story. As with Death & Waffles, a self contained story that made me long to know the larger world. Good job, I’ll add Sekret to my TBR.

Broken Hearts, Fences, and Other Things To Mend Deleted Scenes by Katie Finn- 2 stars
Finn was just desperate to spoil the reveal in this book, huh. Good job, editor.

Tortured by Caragh M. O’Brien - NR
Intro warned for spoilers and I haven’t read Birthmarked yet. Shame, I loved Vault of Dreamers and this was one of the stories I was looking forward to. I’ll just have to move the series up the ole TBR.

Blue Moon by Nikki Kelly - 0 stars
This story opens with a quote from one of my least favorite comics of all time, the masturbatory wankfest that is Grant Morrison’s Arkham Asylum. So we’re off to a great start and it just goes downhill. The writing is terrible. Skimmed, found nothing I wanted.

The Cypress Project by Gennifer Albin - 3 stars
A prequel to Crewel, which I anticipated so highly and ended up not liking at all. I never continued the series, so this was actually good to confirm a theory I had re: "the War" and the worldbuilding timeline. I’ve read one other short story set in this world and it was better. Lucy and Joshua were fine, but the story didn’t need four POVs.

The Too-Clever Fox by Leigh Bardugo - 4.5 stars
Hey look, the story I borrowed the anthology for. Loved this take on Little Red Riding Hood. I have a slight quibble with the end, which keeps it from a full five stars, but Bardugo did a great job building the world and making it feel Russian/Ravkan in a really short space.

Two Minute Reviews Boogaloo

Look, another round up! So I started this post literally the same day as the last round up I posted because Jess is always like Dani, don't put 18 mini reviews in one post, put them in two posts. Then we have two days of content. She's smart like that.

But if you read the monthly wrap-up, you know why this post didn't get finished. So here it is, a month late. I think we're going to have to make it a three parter, even, as I read 12 books since I finished part one.

I'm a disaster.

Young Avengers, Volume 1: Style > Substance by Kieron Gillen - ★★★★

Gillen and McKelvie, the masterminds behind my obsession, The Wicked + The Divine started together here, Young Avengers, with an utterly gorgeous collection from the sadly defunct Marvel NOW! This brand was basically Marvel's YA, focusing on teenage heroes in relatable situations, like balancing caping with school or dealing with bigotry. It gave us Kamala Khan as Ms. Marvel, the all female X-Men, and pizza dog. You've probably seen more scans from this time period on social media than all the others put together. And it was awesome.

Kid Loki is assembling a new superhero team for totes not suspicious reasons. (Kid Loki being how Loki reincarnated after he removed his name from the Book of Hel, effectively becoming immortal. His kid persona eventually chose to follow its own path and turned his evil personality traits into its own entity, a magpie named Ikol. Then stuff and stuff and the two reunited and now you can never really tell if it's Ikol or Loki running the show.) He has his eye on America Chavez, approaching her first to take out Wiccan and his boyfriend Hulking (I've always hated that name, Teddy's only relation to the Hulk is that he's also green.) America tells Loki that if she ever sees him again, she will murder his face until it can't be murdered any more. Which, in a way, is a shame, as Loki was trying to stop Wiccan from summoning an interdimensional parasite known as The Mother.

Once the entity is released, Loki gives up his quest for murder and brings Teddy, Billy, and America together with Marvel Boy and his hookup and joyrider, Hawkeye. It's a great team against a good villain. The writing and art play off each other very well. The dialogue is snappy and funny. Except for the whole origin of Kid Loki, it stands on its own. (The scene with the two Lokis will confuse even veteran comic fans.) My only criticism is McKelvie's female faces can run together a bit. America's head is copy pasted from (well I guess to considering this came out the year before) Laura from Wic + Div.

Injustice: Gods Among Us: Year Two #1 by Tom Taylor -  ★★★★☆

Starting at the funeral of ████ ███, despite the call for a day of cease fire to mourn, tensions between the two superhero factions continue heating up. With █████ out of commission in the Tower of Fate, it's up to Black Canary to lead the charge against Superman and his superpowered human army. Recruiting what can be trusted of Gotham's police force, and with the help of Superman's superpill, the fight takes to the street as a much larger threat appears over space. The Guardians have decided Superman is a threat and they've sent Guy and John to sort him out. When that goes as well as you'd expect it turns to all out war as every Lantern is recalled to Earth. The dichotomy of the two battles is interesting, though Superman's police force does turn totalitarian kind of out of nowhere. The real interest here is the villain who joins Superman's team, and his machinations. I think if I'd read one and two as a combined volume, as I did for year one, it would have flowed better.

Injustice: Gods Among Us: Year Two #2 by Tom Taylor -  ★★★★☆

This book broke my fucking heart. If you're here for the Batangst, look no further. A comic book based on a Mortal Kombat rip-off made me cry. It made me scream. It made me awww at a decibel not found in human beings. This book pays off the war with the Lanterns and sees Superman cross a line that can't be uncrossed, even more dire than the (mostly) accidental killing of ████ ███ at the end of book one. Of the two year two books, it's the better, but they really would work better in a complete collection like year one.

When Dimple Met Rishi by Sandhya Menon - ★★★★★

It's been a long time since I've loved a character as much as I love Dimple. She's so unabashedly Slytherin in a world that doesn't want women and especially women of color to be cunning, ambitious, and driven. Weird how Hermione punching Draco was totally cool with this community but Dimple throwing a (n iced) coffee at what she assumes to be a crazed stalker made her violent and unlikeable. Things that make you say hmmmmm.

Rishi is so unbelievably sweet and it's great to see the script flipped and the male character as the romantic, ready to settle down one. The banter is off the charts. The book is so. funny. Could the last couple chapters have been tighter, yes, but oh my gosh science and art cuties making an app together and good parental relationships and realistic friend fights and I'm screaming again.

Lock & Mori by Heather W. Petty - ★★★☆☆

Nothing but respect for MY Moriarty.

The book was fine. I skimmed a lot of the middle, which isn't like me. I'm a read every page girl. But, I didn't feel the romance and I thought the killer was pretty obvious. Everything leading to him seemed like filler.

I did like the end where Mori actually seemed like her namesake and got ruthless and broke the rules but Lock was so flat.

Monstress: Vol. 2: The Blood by Marjorie Liu - ★★★☆

This is still one of the most beautifully illustrated graphic novels I've ever read, but while the main plot is actually picking up, (I found it slow in book one,) I'm increasingly frustrated with the way the world building is doled out in expositional dumps at the end of each chapter. Generally set as a classroom where the nekomancers teach history to the young cats, it's just so lazy and poorly integrated. It's not working for me.

Maika is so hard and angry and I won't lie, she's hard to read, but she's so sad and her bond with Kippa just keeps getting stronger. I can't wait to see her fully heroic.

Lumberjanes, To The Max Edition, Vol. 2. by Noelle Stevenson - ★★★★☆

Collecting Lumberjanes 9-12, 14-17, I really liked the second omnibus. I found the storyline was much more cohesive than the original 8 issues. We're finally getting the real info on the forest and residents, including an extremely interesting call home which seemed to prove time passes differently in Miss Qiunzella Thiskwin Penniquiqul Thistle Crumpet's Camp For Hardcore Lady-Types. The new antagonist made a lot more sense than the deitic war.

What's more, there's actual on screen romantic content from Molly and Mal, which was definitely sweet and kind of figuring stuff out in the first volume but they go on a date! And then there are raptors! 

A Court of Mist and Fury by Sarah J. Maas. - ★★★★★

Don't come for me. The sex scenes are bad. The prose is lurid. There's a distinct lack of drive though the middle sections, despite having a world ending, time sensitive antagonist. Tamlin's flipped on a fucking dime and Feyre's transformation into a high Fae is still ludicrous.

DON'T CARE LOVE FEYRE HEY RYS HEY

I am what I am.