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For Mother's Day, Kentucky Fried Chicken published a romance novel.
And then I read and live-tweeted it, because I love you.
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Give Mom her true heart’s desire this Mother’s Day—a family meal and a romance novel featuring Colonel Sanders. pic.twitter.com/WHJNL9kRqn
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It's time. #KFCanUNot pic.twitter.com/CohTHt8Rvm -
Let's start with the cover. Right away, I fear mom jeans to be anachronistic to the Victorian castle. #KFCanUNot pic.twitter.com/diMXB8uX0D -
There is no author and no credit to the ghostwriter, only a copywrite to YUM! Brands. I desperately want to know who wrote this. #KFCanUNot
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We open on our heroine, Lady Madeline Parker, lamenting her lack of embroidery skills. Of COURSE she had a poised perfect sister #KFCanUNot
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"Madeline was very clever, possessed a fine wit, and could ride better than most of [...] the ton." I have read this. A lot. #KFCanUNot
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Madeline's betrothed looks like a vanilla biscuit. I'd have gone with "mashed potatoes without even a drop of signature gravy" #KFCanUNot
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Tsk tsk cover artist, Maddie's hair is chocolate brown. It's like I'm the only one to *read* this #KFCanUNot
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The author has used "Sure, blankity blank, but blahbity blah" three times in this chapter. Vary your word choices, darlings. #KFCanUNot
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The author has no idea how balls work #KFCanUNot
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We have timeskipped to the day before the wedding. Maddie's brother has just advised her to runaway and join the circus. #KFCanUNot
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"After tying her horse to the post outside the ramshackle tavern..." That horse gone. #KFCanUNot
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Still no Colonel. #KFCanUNot
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Maddie has run away to the seaside. She now has a job as a tavern wench. Because plot. #KFCanUNot
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@gold_lilies Because when I think Kentucky, I think 'seaside'.
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@PatonDrugs Oh no, we're definitely in England
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@gold_lilies Ah, I see, it's set in Kentuckyshire. Fascinating part of the east coast, was once the domain of Danish petty Burger Kings.
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Ah, I believe we have our Colonel, at 43% through the book! His name is Carson and he owns this bar? #KFCanUNot
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The bar is The Admiral's Arms. After the cover, I expected The Colonel's Arms, eh eh? #KFCanUNot
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oh nope Carson's not the hero. My mistake. His name is Harland and he really does have a Southern accent #KFCanUNot
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For someone characterized by her quick wit, Madeline has not strung three words together, #KFCanUNot
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Repetitive words set my teeth on edge in *good* books. This letter to her parents, yea gods. #KFCanUNot
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Oh good, a beta romance between the bar owner and Caoimhe, the other barmaid. Because that's what we all came for. #KFCanUNot
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That horse has never been mentioned again, btw. It really is gone. #KFCanUNot
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The fuck, Harland? #KFCanUNot
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It's happening. #KFCanUNot pic.twitter.com/8K6XirhFKl -
"One night when she was 15 she had playfully discovered some secret novels" Playfully? That is not the adverb you want there. #KFCanUNot
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Girl, you snuck him up to your garret and told him your life story and all I get is some crappily described kissing?? #KFCanUNot
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"I think it is time for you to put aside your childish sailings and come back to take up the mantle of Colonel Sanders" WUT #KFCanUNot
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Oh the horse is back #KFCanUNot
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"Taking a deep breath, Madeline turned to face her lover - her lover who had lied." DUH DUH DUN! #KFCanUNot
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Oh my god. #KFCanUNot pic.twitter.com/Z465Pw6kXn -
"I would burn everything to the ground if it meant you would still love me." Good god. #KFCanUNot
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"The waves crashed in the distance, tugging at Madeline's heartstrings like the tide." GOOD GOD #KFCanUNot
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THERE WAS NO SEX. NO CHICKEN. NO *PUNS* ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜#KFCanUNot
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@disquietus I survived. Now I can put "Reviewed Fabio and Colonel Sanders" on my resume
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@disquietus @erinscafe @gold_lilies The live tweet was excellent but the novella was the opposite of extra crispy.
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The extra crispy Colonel commercial keeps coming on and I can't stop picturing this damn book. #KFCanUNot
